


that one where killua's really gay and gon has horrible (great) ideas

by viscrael



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: (sorta) - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Crushes, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Kissing, M/M, Practice Kissing, Trans Killua, Trans Male Character, Whats better than this, also!!!!, b/c im cliche af and luv gay boys being gay, bg leopika implied wassup get swagged, guys being dudes, now w/ more chapters bc i hate myself apparently
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-02
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-02 12:18:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4059736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viscrael/pseuds/viscrael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Have you ever kissed anyone, Killua?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS UNEDITED AF ITS 4:16 AM AND IM SO TIRED BUT I RLLY WANTED(NEEDED) SOME KILLUGON THAT DIDNT MAKE ME WANT TO RIP MY HEART OUT SO HERE
> 
> aged up slightly so theyre like. 16 idk

“Hey, Killua?”

From his position on his bed, the white haired boy hummed in response, absentmindedly flipping through the pages of some magazine he’d bought a while ago. His roommate and childhood best friend didn’t say anything else for a moment.

Just as Killua was getting ready to ask him what it was he’d bothered him about in the first place, Gon seemed to make up his mind, starting, “Have you ever kissed anyone?”

Killua blinked. “What?”

Gon didn’t seem bothered by his friend’s confusion; he only repeated, “Have you ever kissed anyone, Killua?”

“Uh…” The other boy looked back at his magazine, turning the page and avoiding looking at Gon so he wouldn’t see him blushing. “What would make you ask that?”

“I don’t know.” Gon shrugged, hopping off the couch where he had previously been seated. He turned to where his friend was perched at the top of their shared bunk bed to look at him while he explained, “I was just thinking about it, and I wanted to know if Killua had ever…”

“…Have you?”

Gon shook his head. “Nope.”

“Oh.”

“You haven’t, Killua?”

“Stupid,” he said, his face oddly warm, “of course I haven’t!”

The brunet only laughed a little. “Yeah, I kind of figured.”

Killua narrowed his eyes, feigning being offended to hide his embarrassment. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing!” Gon put his hands up in front of him. “It’s just that you don’t seem that interested in stuff like that, so I guessed you hadn’t.”

“’Interested’?” Killua repeated, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah! Killua doesn’t seem that interested in things like dating and kissing. You don’t really talk about girls that much. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever heard about you having a crush on anyone, even when we were kids!”

Killua looked away, closing his eyes. Gon was only partially right in his assumption; he _didn’t_ talk about girls that often—or ever, really—but he had had crushes before.

…Er, well, _one_ crush, ever since he was twelve. It was a real pain in the ass, honestly, seeing as it hadn’t gone away in, what, four years?

He sighed into his palm and glanced at his friend from the corner of his eye. “There just aren’t any girls that I like is all. ‘S not a big deal.”

Gon shook his head. “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s not a big deal at all, I was just thinking, well—since you’ve never had a girlfriend or kissed anyone before, and _I’ve_ never had a girlfriend or kissed anyone before, it would be better if we practiced.”

Killua narrowed his eyes at his friend, an eyebrow raised in skepticism. He could tell whatever vague idea Gon was planning, it was going to end horribly. “’ _Practice_ ’? Practice what?”

“Kissing, obviously!”

He should’ve gotten lightheaded from how quickly blood rushed to his face at that. “ _What?!”_

If Gon was aware of what the proposal was doing to Killua, he made no sign of it, as he continued on like it _wasn’t_ a huge deal or anything. “Yeah!” He grinned. “We’re bound to get girlfriends at some point, right? So it’s better if we know how to kiss and stuff, so it’s not bad once we actually _do_ get them!”

“That is _horrible_ logic,” the white haired boy grumbled, covering his face as if that would help make it less red.

Gon frowned. “Really? I thought it made sense.”

“Of course _you_ thought it made sense!” Killua snapped, glaring at him through his hands. “It’s a terrible idea,” he mumbled, but he couldn’t deny there was a certain appeal to that. Practicing kissing. With Gon. He bit his lip and looked down.

“Aw, c’mon, Killua!” The brunet whined from where he was still standing under the bunk bed, having to look up at the other as he spoke. “It’s not _that_ bad of an idea…”

“It doesn’t even really _work_!” Killua continued. “We’re both boys, it won’t be the same as kissing a girlfriend!”

“It’s better than nothing though!” Gon defended. “I mean, we’re both gonna get them sometime, and everyone keeps talking about how apparently that’ll be _soon_ , so we should practice while we can!” Killua would have been fine if he’d stopped there, but the boy didn’t seem close to doing such, as he continued on to say, “I don’t want my first kiss with a girlfriend to be horrible because I don’t know what to do. What if she’s super experienced and she thinks I’m—“

“Okay, I get it, Jesus fuck!” Killua interrupted him, climbing down from the bunk bed so he was standing in front of the shorter of the two. “You’re really hung up on this?”

Gon nodded.

“Of course you are,” the taller mumbled, rolling his eyes with a huff and crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s not a big deal. If you don’t want a girlfriend yet or if you’re worried about it, you don’t _have_ to get one. There’s no magic rule that says you can’t be single at sixteen.”

“No, I know that, it’s just. I _do_ want one, I think?” Gon tried to explain, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Er, at least, I want to try kissing. But there aren’t any girls I like or want to do that with. The only person I think I’d want to try that with is Killua.” He smiled apologetically.

The red had returned, if it had even left to begin with. “You can’t just _say_ stuff like that!” Killua hissed.

“Why not? It’s true!”

“No—I mean—“ He huffed in frustration at his own inability to form coherent words. “Ugh, fine! We can practice k— _that_!”

Gon perked up almost visibly. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“You’re sure?”

“ _Yes,_ Jesus dick, stop asking before I change my mind.”

If at all possible, his smile only got wider. _I’m so fucked,_ Killua thought.

\--

Somehow, Gon’s bed ended up as the designated area for them to sit and get on with their endeavors. Killua had his back against the headboard with Gon sitting across from him, feeling—or at least looking—a lot more put together than Killua.

“So…how do you want to…?” Gon asked vaguely.

“I dunno,” Killua huffed, purposefully looking anywhere but at the boy across from him. “I just sort of thought you were leading this whole thing, since it was your idea and all.”

Gon’s eyebrows furrowed the way they did when he was thinking a lot. He didn’t respond to Killua’s answer; instead, he tapped a finger against his chin and stared at the bed sheets a bit too aggressively.

Killua looked at him curiously. “Hey, Gon…” he said in way of getting his friend’s attention.

He had intended to say more, but before he could, Gon was lifting his head up and all but smashing his lips into Killua’s.

“ _Ow!_ ” They both lamented at the same time. Gon rubbed his head where it had knocked into the taller’s, wincing, while aforementioned boy was licking his lip for traces of blood. He was near certain that had busted his lip.

“Fuck,” he swore, pressing a hand to his face. It came back with a bit of blood, but not too much. It would stop soon enough, he figured. Still hurt like a bitch, though.

“Sorry, Killua,” Gon said, still rubbing his head. “That was really bad.”

“You think?” Killua responded sarcastically, but his heartbeat hadn’t slowed down from before. “I feel sorry for whoever you end up dating.”

Gon laughed a little at that. “Yeah, I hope they aren’t expecting much from me as far as kissing goes…”

“…That’s why we’re practicing,” Killua said quietly.

The brunet blinked at him in surprise. “You’re still going along with it even after that?”

“I said I would, didn’t I? Just make sure not to do that again. You went in _way_ too hard for a first kiss. You’ll scare the girl off if you try doing that with her.”

Gon nodded seriously, but the second time he went in, he didn’t even reach Killua’s lips before he was being stopped.

The white haired boy huffed, pushing him away gently. “You’re still doing it wrong,” he chastised. “You’re going at it like you do almost everything else. You have to be slower about it.” Killua blinked. “I mean, unless the person likes it like that, but I don’t think your first time kissing a girl is gonna be that—“ He cut himself off abruptly when he realized Gon was staring at him. He cleared his throat louder than necessary. “Yeah.”

“You know a lot about this,” Gon said.

“Do not,” Killua mumbled. “I just…it’s common sense, ‘s all. Everyone knows this stuff.”

“Show me.”

It wasn’t a request.

Killua looked at Gon, trying to gauge his emotions, but when he came up with nothing, he sighed and repositioned himself in front of the other. “You’re gonna be the death of me,” he mumbled.

The shorter only beamed in response.

To keep himself from doing something really embarrassing (like blush more, maybe), Killua leaned in, slower than earlier had been, slow enough to give him time to prepare, and pressed his lips tentatively against Gon’s. It was chaste and lasted one second, two seconds, three seconds before he pulled away, cheeks redder than they probably should’ve been and heart racing still.

Gon didn’t respond for a moment, only blinking with a sort of surprised look on his face, like he was still processing that that had happened. Once it seemed to go through, his face split into a grin, and he all but yelled, “That was great, Killua!”

“You’re embarrassing,” Killua said. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Better than what I tried,” Gon joked. “Can we do that again? I wanna try this time.”

Killua shrugged with faux nonchalance. “I guess.”

The third time was better than the first, for sure, but Gon still went a little too harshly, not enough discomfort to take away from the effect, but enough to hurt a little. Their teeth clanked together, and it wasn’t anything special. But all the same—after they pulled away, it was mutual when they went in for a fourth.

They continued like that.

It was the seventh kiss that they figured out how to breath between kissing, which proved to be very useful information as that meant they didn’t have to keep pulling away for air, and it was the tenth that Gon had the _fantastic_ idea to use tongue. Of course, he asked beforehand, a quiet and earnest _is this okay, Killua?_ that was nearly pointless because by then Killua was pretty sure he would go along with anything as long as it was with Gon.

So he nodded, quicker and more eager than he’d at all intended; Gon laughed at his enthusiasm good-naturedly, and when felt Gon’s tongue against his lips, it was weird and kind of gross and somehow totally appealing at the same time. He opened his mouth and titled his head because he knew that apparently you were supposed to do that when you made out with someone ( _wow okay he was making out with Gon holy fuck—_ ), and it worked _wonders._

By the twelfth, Killua had ended up pretty much straddling Gon, arms around his shoulders, their movements definitely more certain, with a bit more urgency than probably what they should’ve had considering it was all under the reasoning of Experience and Practice. But that hadn’t crossed Killua’s mind in quite some time, really, because Gon’s hands were on his hips, his teeth nipping at Killua’s bottom lip, and it was all a jumble of _GonGonGonholyfuckingshit—_

It was the fourteenth that Gon had decided he’d gotten enough Experience with lips, and that he kind of wanted to try something else too, Killua, is that okay? And that something was apparently hickies because holy _fuck_ was Killua going to have a shit ton after the way he all but attacked his neck.

Not that he could complain, really, with the way he was urging Gon on, but it was difficult to think about covering those up when tomorrow came when his entire body felt like it was on fire, a warmth in his groin steadily growing, his head heavy and clouded with a fog he hadn’t realized was possible to have. He didn’t even hear when his phone started ringing, he was so far gone at that point.

In fact, he wouldn’t have noticed or even cared at all, had it not been for the way Gon pulled away at the noise, getting off the bed to search for Killua’s phone, which was still playing some pop song obnoxiously loudly. It was on his bunk bed, and Gon handed it to him.

Reluctantly, he took it, and the caller ID read _Leorio._ He rolled his eyes and groaned, pressing the answer button probably a bit harsher than necessary.

“Hello?” he said, and his voice sounded weirdly hoarse, even to him. Gon laughed quietly at that; he hid his giggles behind a hand when Killua glared at him in response.

Leorio proceeded to request something _completely unimportant_ and _completely not necessary_ to Killua, and he could feel his patience dropping. He hung up harshly, irritated now that their make out session had been interrupte and, at that point, more than likely ruined. He tossed his phone to the side haphazardly and sighed.

Gon stood, not on the bed but near the edge of it, looking a little bit unsure of himself. “I’m gonna go take a shower,” he said finally, rubbing his neck like he was embarrassed. Killua nodded and watched Gon walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

The moment he heard the shower running, Killua shoved a pillow in his face and screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip in peace killua zoldyck 
> 
> dunno why theyre in boarding school + rooming together aight just go w/ it
> 
> also i cant write smooches to save me life


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is that a hickey?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW i wasnt originally gonna continue this fic at all but my fingERS SLIpped and whoops here we are now
> 
> probs gonna b 4 chapters? i have the next one like. almost done. originally it was gonna b 1 big chap but i split em up, so. anyway. here. more gay boys being gay wow what a surprise
> 
> its 2:50 am excuse errors pls + thank

“Is that a hickey?”

The words came from behind him, and Killua’s automatic reaction was to cover the bruise hurriedly as if that would take back what’s already been pointed out, before turning around to glare at whomever had said that.

As it turned out, it was just Kurapika, looking a little too innocent for his own good, so Killua only sighed, willing his cheeks to cool down, while the other sat in the chair across from him. Killua had been waiting for his friends to show up, all by himself outside of the café where the four of them had planned on meeting.

“Of course not,” he mumbled, hoping the way he was still covering the bruise was more inconspicuous than it felt.

Kurapika raised an eyebrow, giving Killua that look that the younger knew meant _I know that you’re lying but I’m going to let it slide because I’m taking pity on you._ “Alright,” he said.

“Where’s Leorio?” Killua asked, changing the subject.

The blonde sighed. “Late,” he said, adding a grumbled, “again.”

“He called me yesterday,” Killua started. “Said something about you not answering your phone.”

“He does that,” Kurapika said, unconcerned. “I was going to call him back.”

The younger boy shrugged, putting his hands behind his head, _casually_ covering the spot he had been too stupid to remember to cover up earlier. “He sounded kind of worried.”

“He does that too.”

Killua gave him a look, starting to open his mouth to say something along the lines of _Maybe you shouldn’t constantly ignore his calls and make him worry?_ But he didn’t have a chance to get the words out, because Kurapika beat him to it with a, “Where’s Gon? It’s not like him to not be with you.”

“Slept in on accident.”

“You didn’t wake him up?”

Killua shrugged again. “I did, but he told me to go ahead.”

“Mm,” the taller hummed. “Has he not been feeling well or something?”

“Not that I’m aware of.” He frowned. “I mean, besides…”

Kurapika turned to him curiously.

The white-haired boy shook his head, already feeling his cheeks heat up at the memory of last night. He was about to say _there was that thing yesterday,_ in regards to Gon acting weird, but what happened wasn’t something he planned on sharing with anyone, let alone Kurapika. “Nothing.”

“Would what you were about to say happen to have anything to do with why you have a hickey—or, excuse me, hick _ies_?” Kurapika asked innocently.

“I _don’t_ have a hickey!”

“Who has a hickey?” Leorio had chosen then to show up, apparently.

“Killua.”

Said boy groaned in frustration. “I do _not!_ ”

“Eh? Who’s the lucky girl?” Leorio asked far too enthusiastically, pulling up a chair beside Kurapika, who offered him a smile in greeting.

“No one. I don’t have a hickey.”

The dark-haired man squinted at him, poking at his neck where he’d left one exposed. Killua batted his hand away, embarrassed. “Don’t touch it,” he grumbled.

“That’s definitely a hickey.”

“Shut up.”

“Who was it?”

“No one!”

“You don’t talk about girls much,” Leorio mused. “Honestly, I’m surprised that you managed to snag yourself girlfriend—“

“I didn’t!”

Kurapika was watching the exchange with a mildly amused expression. Leorio blinked. “Boyfriend, then?”

Even before Killua could get a response in, something about his body language must’ve changed significantly enough for Leorio to split into a grin. “Jackpot! Who is it?”

“Oh my god, no one!”

Leorio seemed like he was going to push it, but Kurapika put a hand on his arm lightly, saying, “We should probably stop tormenting him now. I don’t think his face can get any redder.”

“Fuck off, both of you.”

Kurapika only laughed, a small sound delivered politely into his hand, covering his mouth while he did so. Killua huffed, crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat, shifting the collar of his shirt to cover more of his neck. All of his turtlenecks were dirty at the moment, and he hadn’t gotten around to doing laundry yet. He cursed his laziness and sent a text to Gon telling him to hurry his ass up and save him from being alone with the “parent duo,” as the two so often were referred.

Gon texted back, saying he was almost there anyway, and less than five minutes later, he was, greeting them with a wide smile and a small wave. He sat in the chair next to Killua, probably a little closer than necessary, and suddenly Killua was hyper aware of the way they were sitting, self-conscious that Leorio and Kurapika would notice and make (correct) assumptions.

They didn’t say anything on it for the time being, and Killua was glad when Gon asked if he wanted to go with him to get something to eat. They headed inside in near silence, a little awkward for the two of them.

Gon ordered some sort of parfait while Killua got the sweetest thing available, and while they were waiting for their food to be made, Gon blinked at Killua and said, sounding both shocked and oddly a little happy, “You didn’t cover them up.”

Killua went to grab his neck for the second time that day. “I didn’t have anything to cover it up _with_. I haven’t done laundry in a while.”

Gon blinked again before turning around to get his food from the woman working there, handing her some money and telling her to keep the change. She smiled, told them to have a nice day, and they started walking back outside, food in hand.

“I like it,” Gon said suddenly.

Killua sputtered, “W-what?!”

The older boy stopped walking; he turned to the other and pressed tan fingers gently against the bruised skin at the junction where Killua’s shoulder and neck met. Killua shivered a little at the touch, hoping it went unnoticed.

“I like it,” he repeated. After a second, he seemed to snap out of whatever reverie he’d been in, because he smiled apologetically and said, “Sorry. Was that weird?”

Killua looked away, glaring at a spot on the ground. “You’re so stupid,” he grumbled, starting back outside.

“Hey!” Gon called indignantly, following his friend to where the other two were waiting.

 

\--

 

The first thing Gon did when they got back to their dorm that evening, was kiss Killua.

Well—It was technically the _second_ thing. The first was to take his shoes off at the front door while Killua locked it behind him like usual. He only gave so much as a, “Hey, Killua?” as warning before pressing their lips together.

Killua jumped back, face red. “What was _that_ for?!”

Gon looked confused and a little sheepish. He rubbed the back of his head. “Sorry. I guess I thought that was okay.”

“W-why would…?” Killua trailed off.

“Forget about it,” Gon said, his familiar grin back in place but not reaching his eyes. He made his way over to their dorm’s couch, taking off his jacket before opening his laptop on the coffee table to get something up. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Gon—“

“Do you remember the name of that movie Zushi was talking about the other day? He really liked it, and I promised I would watch it at some point, but I can’t remember. He said it was on Netflix, though, so we could watch—”

“Gon!”

Said boy finally turned around to look at the other.

Killua took a deep breath. “I didn’t mean that it wasn’t…”

“It’s fine.” There was that grin again. “Let’s just watch a movie, okay? I’ll text Zushi and ask him about it.”

“…Okay.”

Gon made popcorn while waiting for a reply from Zushi. After another ten minutes when there was none, he shrugged, saying he was probably busy with something, and they agreed on watching something else. When they sat down, it felt like there was more space between them than usual, and their hands didn’t brush reaching for popcorn like they normally would. Killua didn’t like it.

The movie was boring, at least to Killua’s racing mind. Half way through, he turned to the other boy. “Hey.”

“Hmm?” Despite the response, Gon wasn’t looking at him, eyes still trained on the computer screen.

“Look at me.”

He hesitated before pausing the movie and doing as was requested. The two didn’t do much but look at each other for a second, Killua trying to gauge his emotions. His eyes narrowed a little. “Can I kiss you?”

“What?”

“Can I kiss you?” He repeated.

“…I guess so.” Gon sounded confused. Killua sighed through his nose before leaning in, cupping his roommate’s neck, his lips ghosting over the other’s. He could feel Gon’s breath from how close they were.

When they pulled away, he said, voice so low it was almost a whisper, “You just surprised me, that’s all.”

“So…it’s okay?”

He snorted. “Obviously. Otherwise I wouldn’t have done that.”

“I guess that’s true.” Gon thought it over for a moment before smiling.

“What are you smiling about?”

“Nothing.” He didn’t stop though. “So can I kiss Killua?”

Said boy shrugged with forced nonchalance. His ears felt warm. “If you want.”

“I want to,” he insisted, before kissing him.

When they pulled away this time, Killua mumbled, “You’re getting better at that.”

“Am I? That’s good. Does that mean you like it more?”

“W-what?”

“If I’m getting better at it, that means it’s better for you too, right?”

“I-I guess?” Killua looked away. “It doesn’t matter much.”

“’Course it does. I want Killua to like it too.”

“You’re embarrassing.”

Gon grinned. “Yeah.”

It didn’t stop Killua from leaning in again though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> killugon: holds me  
> me: is hold


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua was in love with his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mMMMMMMMMM i originalyl was gonna post this thursday but im treating my self b/c im half way done w/ the last chap so why not lmao
> 
> feat. angsty fwb-ish gay boys + trans killua (probably pika is trans too but i dont mention it there4 no tag sorry)

There was a sort of unspoken balance that occurred from then on.

Despite the fact that neither mentioned their original excuse for doing so—“practice”—they continued like that, sitting closer than normal and sharing space and kissing if they were alone. Before that had started, Gon would sometimes crawl into Killua’s bunk, mostly on nights that Killua couldn’t get his nightmares to stop. When that happened, they lay next to each other, and Gon talked and talked until Killua fell asleep, whispered stories about his time before they met each other, when he was still living with his aunt Mito.

The bed wasn’t the largest, but Killua made sure that they didn’t get too close, and Gon sort of followed his lead and didn’t make a move to change it. Now, though, Gon had no qualms with pressing their bodies together, and eventually Killua gave into it too, because it helped him go to sleep quicker anyway, to lay his head on Gon’s shoulder and feel the rise and fall of his chest. It was calming. Physical contact was something he hadn’t gotten used to yet, and he decided he liked it, at least if it was with Gon.

His nightmares got better after that, but they didn’t stop sharing beds; nearly every other night, they were like that. It made it difficult to get up in the morning, because the blaring alarm clock was nothing compared to Gon’s warmth—he might as well been a living heater, honestly—so they often left their dorm at the last possible second, almost late to first period nearly every time. It didn’t help that they had different classes until fourth period; it only made Killua all the more reluctant to separate in the morning.

They never kissed around other people; that was an implicit rule that they both followed. It was unlikely that Gon actually had any problem with people finding out, seeing as he didn’t give two shits what anyone thought of him, but he must’ve sensed that Killua did, because he played along in public, never standing too close or saying anything about them that would imply anything.

Killua was thankful for that, although he never said it, but the moment they were left alone, they were back to touching. They didn’t make out _all_ the time, per say; a lot of the time it was just hands brushing while they finished homework on the couch together or Gon pecking him on the cheek when he made his way out of the shower—simple things like that that were almost better than anything else they did. Killua’s favorite activity so far was kissing Gon, but that didn’t mean the little touches weren’t a close second.

But along with kissing, touching, whatever it was they were doing, came the gateway for _other_ things to happen. It hadn’t happened that much so far, but once or twice, in the two months that they had been— _doing_ this—they had to stop because Gon would pop a boner and, sequentially, Killua would be too embarrassed to do much else but stutter and turn red.

Gon wasn’t shy about sharing his opinion on the matter, saying that it was funny that confident, arrogant, smug-as-all-hell Killua could get so flustered just from Gon’s reaction to too heavy make-outs. Despite his amusement, he never pushed anything. They stopped whenever either of them got uncomfortable.

(That was a comfort to Killua too. He was still getting used to people listening to him when he told them to stop.)

However confident they were in their ability to not lead on anything about the nature of their relationship, Kurapika still noticed. He’d probably known since the first time, honestly, although the only thing he commented on the matter was a quick, “Congratulations,” to Killua, offering a sly smile before never mentioning it again. He didn’t even give Killua time to question or refute it before he went back to the group conversation at hand.

It had been what felt like forever since the Hickey Incident had happened, but Leorio must’ve seen some new ones and thought of it, because one day while the four of them were having lunch together, he brought it up again.

“Oi, Killua. You never told us who that girlfriend is.”

Killua squinted. “What?”

“Ya know, who ever it was that you’ve been mackin’ on. You never told us.”

He felt Gon stiffen from beside him. “What are you going on about this time, old man?”

His eye twitched. The four of them had all been friends since Killua and Gon were twelve, yet Leorio still got riled up when Killua called him that. Classic. “You know what I’m talking about—whoever she is, she’s horrible at being subtle. Cover your damn neck, kid.”

“I told you, I don’t have a girlfriend,” he said disinterestedly. Still, he pulled his turtleneck up to cover more.

“We agreed it was a boyfriend,” Kurapika reminded helpfully.

Killua glared at him. Leorio nodded in agreement. “So who is it?”

“Nobody.”

“So you’re just never gonna tell us about your secret lover, huh?” Leorio sighed. “Fine. Just don’t get pregnant. Or STDs.”

“He can give you some helpful tips on avoiding both of those things,” Kurapika commented, gesturing to Leorio before taking a sip of his drink.

“I’m _not_ having sex and I don’t need help on _either_ of those things,” Killua snapped. Gon seemed to have relaxed, as he stifled a laugh into his hand. The white haired boy turned to him, glaring. _Traitor._

Still, when they were in their dorm that night, Gon mouthing against his neck, he stopped and stared at the marks from a few days ago that still hadn’t faded. “Should I do them somewhere else?” he asked.

Killua thought about it for a moment before shrugging. “I don’t really care. It just gets annoying when they won’t leave me alone about it. I think Kurapika…”

Gon paused, curious. “You think Kurapika…?”

“He probably knows by now. When we, um,” he glanced to the side, “the first time this happened, you were late the next day, and he kind of acted like he knew it was you that did it. He didn’t tell Leorio, I guess, but still, he’s not stupid; he’ll catch on if Kurapika doesn’t tell him and…”

“Other people might notice,” Gon filled in.

“Yeah.”

“So I shouldn’t leave them where people can see.”

“I guess.”

He stared at Killua’s neck for a moment. “But I can leave them other places.”

“Uh….” _Other places._ His ears felt warm. “Yeah.”

Gon lifted up Killua’s shirt so his torso was exposed, the fabric still covering his chest. “Is this okay?” he asked.

Killua didn’t change in front of anyone but Gon anyway, so he had no problems with the bruises that would be visible later. “Yeah.”

 

\--

 

Gon was still too harsh when they kissed, teeth knocking more than once with swollen lips, biting on accident or initiating things too enthusiastically (roughly) and bruising their noses in the processes. Regardless, he didn’t seem to have any issue with it as long if it wasn’t on the mouth, which was well enough, since he seemed to like it more than actual kissing anyway. Killua wasn’t going to complain. If Gon would rather make out with his neck, he would let him, for the most part.

Whether or not it was related to his partiality towards kissing on places outside of the mouth, Gon seemed to have a… _thing_ for Killua’s body, or at least touching it. He wasn’t shy about that, verbally or physically, always complimenting him between soft kisses down Killua’s shoulders, _Killua is so pretty,_ little offhanded things that probably weren’t as big of a deal to him as they were to the recipient of the comments.

They were a big deal for two reasons: one, being that they were embarrassing as hell, and two, being that it felt kind of… _nice_ to be complimented like that. Even if the things Gon said weren’t necessarily true, hearing them didn’t exactly dull Killua’s self-esteem. He made sure he never let on that he likedthe compliments, but he didn’t need to say anything for Gon to continue what he was already doing.

 

\--

 

Gon nipped at the skin on Killua’s stomach.

“Ow!” Killua glared at him as best as he could from the position he was in. He was lying almost flat on his back on Gon’s bunk, with said boy sucking on the skin on his torso with his shirt still pushed up to his chest from earlier.

“Sorry,” he mumbled absentmindedly, but he didn’t seem all that sorry, as he continued what he was doing.

Killua tugged on his hair, a half-hearted attempt at acting annoyed with him. It didn’t do much but earn him a pleased hum from the other boy, vibrating against Killua’s ribcage where his lips met skin. The action made him shiver, but it only lasted a moment before Gon blew a raspberry right at his belly button.

“Shit!”

Gon laughed against his skin, pleased with himself. Killua glared at him, knowing he was red.

“That tickled, you asshole.”

“That was the point,” Gon said, lifting his head so the other could see him stick his tongue out playfully. “Oh, I forgot. You’re really ticklish, aren’t you, Killua?”

He had that look on his face. Killua’s eyes widened.

“Gon. Gon, no. Fuck—Gon, what did I—ahaha! _Gon,_ I’m gonna—ahah— _kill_ you—”

Having totally ignored any protest from the white-haired boy, he had launched his merciless attack on Killua’s sides, who was laughing _completely_ against his will, because, dammit, he _was_ ticklish as fuck, and Gon knew that and always played it to his advantage.

“You’re the—ha— _worst,_ I swear to God—“

“You love me anyway.” Gon smiled, all halos and whatever the fuck, but Killua didn’t even have time to glare at him because the other hadn’t faltered a moment in his endeavors.

They were put to an unexpected halt when Killua managed to kick him full-force in the stomach. “ _Oof!_ ”

The strength of it knocked him off the side of the bed, as he’d been dangerously close to it before anyway, and Killua took the moment to catch his breath. When he sat up, Gon was lying on the floor, rubbing his stomach.

“Ow,” he complained loudly. “Killua, that hurt!”

“’S your own fault, stupid, _you’re_ the one who was tickling me. You can’t hold what a person does while they’re being tickled against them.”

He sat up, supporting himself with his elbows, and stuck his tongue out jokingly. Killua rolled his eyes as the other climbed back onto the bunk.

Gon seemed like he was ready to resume their previous activities, but Killua stopped him as he was leaning in, standing up from the bed and making his way to their shared bathroom. “I’m taking a shower,” he stated.

“Aww, right now?”

“Yep. You ruined the mood, Gon. This is your punishment.”

Even without turning around, he could tell his roommate was pouting. The bathroom door shut and locked behind him, and he could hear Gon get up from the bed and walk around the room, probably to sit on the couch instead.

Killua sighed and turned on the shower, making sure it was cold, but didn’t get in. He sat with his back against the door for a few minutes to get rid of the fog that was still over his brain, whatever it was. That happened whenever they got too—too— _intimate,_ this weird muddy _thing_ that made it hard to think correctly. He’d been fine earlier; the making out hadn’t triggered it this time, but the after had, when they were just…hanging out. Being themselves. Whatever it was they were doing.

When he finally got in the shower, he left the water on cold.

 

\--

 

Killua was in love with his best friend.

This wasn’t news. He’d known it since he was fourteen. It wasn’t a big deal most of the time, because, before, he had been content with the way things were between them. He had never felt inclined to particularly do much to change the dynamics of their relationship; it was enough for him to just be with him, for them to be together. If telling Gon meant it would fuck up their relationship, it wasn’t worth it, so he didn’t.

Gon being the one to change things wasn’t something he expected. Gon was blunt and open, leaving his heart on his sleeve for other people to see; he didn’t hide much, and he didn’t exactly censor much either. When he thought of something he wanted to say, he said it, with no time to second-guess himself.

Killua sort of assumed this was what the Practice thing had been about; most likely, Gon had thought of the idea a second before he voiced it, a spur-of-the-moment type of deal that he treated nonchalantly. When he’d said _t_ _he only person I think I’d want to try that with is Killua_ , he’d meant it, wholly and sincerely and naively, none the wiser to what it was doing to the other boy. His reasoning for the proposal was probably no less simple than he’d claimed it was: for Practice, nothing else implied and nothing else thought. That was all.

The chances of underlying non-platonic feelings being present towards Killua at all were pretty slim, he thought. If Gon had a crush on him, there was no way he could’ve kept that secret for more than ten minutes. If he liked him, he’d let him know, and that would be that. But he said nothing of the sort, even after a month, two months, of them doing whatever it was they were doing—“Practicing”—so Killua gave up hoping.

It left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Gon thought he was doing this as a purely friend-thing, no ulterior motives and no secrets between them. He felt like he was using Gon, like he was taking advantage of him and his naivety, just to get what he wanted without ever fessing up to the emotions behind it.

Every kiss left him feeling sick and elated at the same time; a part of him was screaming at himself, _you’re trash for doing this to Gon, you’re horrible, you’re using him, you’re no better than anyone else, you’re going to hurt him,_ while the other part never wanted to stop, wanted to live in this fantasy world of his forever, the one where Gon was kissing him because he loved him back, not because he just so happened to be the only viable candidate to kiss. If Killua tried hard enough—if he bit hard enough, tugged on Gon’s hair roughly enough, tasted him enough, _did this enough_ —he could pretend he was there, _I love you_ ’s mixed with his usual compliments, _you’re so pretty, Killua, I like you like this_.

Ultimately, when they finished what they were doing, he would always go to bed with his stomach turning and his head foggy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rubs hands 2gether greedily*


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They weren’t doing much talking at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello yes children here is the last chapter *praying emoji* im not entirely satisfied w/ it bc its kind of bullshitted? but oh well here it is

Gon was starting to notice.

One month.

Two months.

Three weeks.

Killua wasn’t going along with it anymore; the fog was getting worst. They didn’t go past kissing, not that they had planned to, but he was suddenly less inclined to respond to Gon’s advances, shrugging him off when he put his hand on Killua’s lower back, sitting further apart on the couch, sometimes insisting that it wasn’t necessary for Gon to sleep in his bunk that night, _I’m fine, Gon, really, you don’t have to do that anymore._

He sidestepped when he was cornered against a wall in Gon’s desperate attempts to just _talk_ about it, a little _I was supposed to meet Ikalgo soon, we can talk about it later, I’ll be late_ ready to go—some bullshit excuse always on his tongue so he could avoid confrontation again. They weren’t doing much talking at all.

He could see Gon starting to get agitated. Their conversations were fine at first, but as he started noticing Killua was avoiding him, talking about _anything_ became strained. The few times Killua allowed them to kiss, there was so much pent up frustration, bubbling up and over in the form of swollen lips and hickeys that he had to cover up for a week. Killua tugged on his hair so harshly he was afraid it would hurt him, but it was difficult to think much about that when he knew this was the only time he would get to do this for a while, would allow himself to do this for a while. They went days with Killua ignoring any hints, playing dumb like he didn’t know what was happening with Gon, before he would give in for twenty minutes and beat himself up for it afterwards.

He hated it.

Their sudden incompatibility was beginning to manifest in other aspects of their relationship outside of their weird Friends With Benefits Thing; Leorio wanted to know if they were fighting, and when Killua asked him why he would ever think that, the man sighed.

“It’s kind of obvious, since Gon’s pretty transparent…Just…we don’t like seeing you guys fight. Whatever it is, it’s hurting Gon, and you too.”

Killua glared at the ground, not meeting the other’s eyes.

“We’re fine, so stop worrying.”

_It’s hurting Gon._

He was hurting Gon.

It made the fog worst.

 

\--

 

“Gon.”

His roommate looked up from where he was trying (and failing) to finish homework. He immediately perked up at the sound of Killua’s voice, probably happy for a distraction from his task, but when he saw the expression the other was wearing, the smile dropped.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

Killua climbed up onto his bunk while he thought about what he was going to say. He had rehearsed the words all day in his head, during Algebra when he was supposed to be taking notes and during lunch when Gon was busy rambling on about something or another, but when the time came for him to say them, they stuck to the top of his mouth like peanut butter. He sighed, quietly, nearly not even there at all, staring at the ceiling where he sat.

“I think we should stop…doing. What we’ve been doing.” He cringed at the wording. It was the best terminology he could come up with, since they didn’t exactly have a clear name for it.

Gon was quiet for a moment. Killua didn’t look at him. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. The—‘practicing’ and whatever. I think we’ve had enough practice.”

“I mean…” He frowned, thinking. “I guess you’re right. We can stop, if you want to.” Killua could feel Gon’s eyes on him, could see the concentrated expression from the corner of his eye, so sincere and wide and open. “Do you not like it anymore?”

The white-haired boy didn’t answer.

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me, Killua? If you just didn’t want to do that anymore, you could’ve told me from the beginning—”

“I’ve not been avoiding you.” It sounded like a lie even to him.

“You have.”

Killua rolled over so he was facing the wall. “I’m not going to argue with you on this. I wasn’t avoiding you, and if I was, it wasn’t because of this. I just think we should go back to…”

“Before?”

He didn’t nod, but his silence was answer enough.

“Killua.”

There was the creak of the floorboards beneath him as he got from the couch and climbed up the ladder to where Killua was lying on his side, still stubbornly focusing on the wall like it was all of the sudden very interesting to him.

“Killua,” he repeated.

“Hmm?”

Gon made a space for himself between the wall and the younger boy, so Killua didn’t have a choice but to look at him without turning around and being rather blatant in his tactics.

“Killua.”

“You keep saying my name but you’re not saying anything after that.”

“ _Killua._ ”

“What do you want, Gon.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Why did you kiss me?”

“What?”

“To begin with. The day after, when you kissed me on the couch. How come?”

Killua couldn’t look him in the eye. _I’m disgusting._ “Because I wanted to.”

“Why did you want to?”

“Why did _you_ want to kiss _me_?”

Gon smiled softly. “Because I thought kissing Killua would be something I’d like.”

“…Were you right?”

“Yeah. I hit that nail on the head,” he joked.

Killua rolled over and closed his eyes. “We can’t do that anymore.”

“What? Kiss?”

“Yeah.”

“Why not?”

“…”

He had tried to come up with an excuse, something that wasn’t bullshit enough so Gon would believe it but wasn’t true enough that he would get caught in some more unfortunate consequences.

Finally, he landed on, “Because it’s weird.”

“It’s weird?”

He nodded.

“How is it weird?”

“Because…” he frowned, not that the other could see it. “We’re both guys, and you’re going to get a girlfriend some day, and it’s weird for friends to make out platonically.”

“It’s not weird if you liked it, right? And I don’t know how ‘platonic’…” He trailed off, not finishing his sentence.

Killua shoved a pillow over his face like that would keep it from getting any redder. His eyes stung. His head was muddy. He was frustrated and annoyed and confused.

“Did you like us kissing, Killua?”

“Damn it— _yes_ , Gon! Yes! I like us kissing! A lot!” The stinging was getting worse and the fog wasn’t lifting. He flipped around so he was facing Gon again and brought their lips together messily, much clumsier than normal.

Gon wasn’t shy to respond by any means, but at that point it was Killua leading it, groping anything he could find in a desperate attempt to distract himself ( _dammit, dammit, he was disgusting, he was using Gon again, he was going to hurt him, fucking dammit—_ ), rolling over so he was straddling the other boy’s hips, fingernails digging into the flesh of his shoulders on accident.

Gon halted and pulled away. “Killua.”

“...”

“Killua.” There was a hand against his cheek, his thumb brushing across the pale skin there gently. “Killua, why’re you crying?”

“I’m not crying,” he snapped automatically, but when he blinked, his eyelashes felt wet. Oh. When had that happened?

“I’ve…got a confession to make,” Gon admitted, eyebrows furrowed. He pulled his hand away.

“What?”

“I don’t think I really _want_ us to go back to before.” He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I like how we are now—not you ignoring me, I don’t like that, but...everything else.”

“… _What_?” Killua knew his eyes were wide, but he couldn’t help it.

“Sorry, was that too weird?” Gon looked away guiltily. “It’s just—I guess I never actually thought of it as practice? I know that’s what I said it was, at least at first, but after you kept going, I just sort of…thought of it like the real thing, I guess.” He smiled, a little sadly. “I’m sorry, Killua. I assumed stuff I shouldn’t have. We’ll stop.”

_The real thing._ God, he was stupid.

“Killua, why are you crying again?” He sounded panicked. “I’m sorry, did that freak you out?”

“ _Stupid_.” Killua punched the other in the shoulder half-heartedly. He was trying to stop crying, but it was difficult; he ended up just bending forward to lean his head against Gon’s chest, trying and failing to will the tears to stop. There were hands on his back, rubbing circles into his shoulder blades soothingly. It was calming, but still didn’t do much to help, and he ended up sitting there and crying for what felt like forever.

When he finally calmed down, he pulled away, wiped his eyes with the palms of his hands roughly, and glared at the ceiling. “I got your shirt all gross,” he said.

Gon smiled. “It’s fine. Are you okay now?”

“Yeah.” He clenched and unclenched his fists, taking a deep breath. “I’m okay now.”

There was silence for a few moments.

“You don’t have to tell me what that was about if you don’t want to,” Gon started gingerly, “but…I’m sorry if it was me that made you do that.”

“No.” He frowned. “Kind of. I’m just…confused.”

“Confused? About what?”

Killua pressed his face into his roommate’s shoulder so he didn’t have to look him in the eyes. “Why you didn’t tell me if you didn’t think of it like practice.”

He felt fingers card themselves through his hair, gently working out tangles. “I didn’t think it was important, I guess.”

“Why wouldn’t it be important?”

“I don’t know.” He massaged Killua’s scalp. “I’m dumb like that, I guess.”

“No, it’s just…I mean…do you…”

“What is it?”

“…”

Gon waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts. The TV was still on, turned down to the lowest volume.

“Does that mean that you like me? In—in a dating way? If you didn’t think of it like practice then that means…”

“Killua.”

His stomach felt sick. He pulled away to look at the other.

“Killua,” Gon repeated. “Of _course_ I like you in a dating way!”

He blinked. It took a moment for the words to finally register. “ _What?!_ ”

“Yes!” The brunet laughed. “I thought that was why you said you wanted to stop, because you knew and it freaked you out.”

“No, I didn’t _know!_ And it wouldn’t’ve freaked me out anyway—why didn’t you ever _tell_ me?!”

“I didn’t think I had to!”

“Of course you ‘had to’! How else was I supposed to know?!”

“Killua.” Gon looked at him seriously. “I told you I wanted to make out with you almost every day.”

Said boy felt himself turn red. “Still, you should’ve just _told_ me!”

“So then that wasn’t why you were upset?”

“No, I—God, I was upset about the exact _opposite,_ I felt like I was taking advantage of you because I thought you didn’t like me back—“

“So _you_ like me too?”

“ _Obviously!_ ”

Gon beamed. “That’s good.”

Killua wanted to be more upset than he was, but it was difficult to do anything but laugh and lean against the other. “We’re so fucking stupid.”

“Yeah.”

“We literally could’ve avoided this if you’d just _told_ me—“

“Hey, you didn’t ask, and you didn’t tell me you liked me either!” Gon defended.

“You can’t blame me for being scared, though.” Killua pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes. “I like you a lot.”

“I like you a lot too.”

He smiled involuntarily. “You gotta say that every day from now on, okay?”

“Hm? Why?”

“Because I like hearing you say that.”

Even with his eyes closed, he knew Gon was smiling too. “Alright. Then you have to say it all the time too.”

“That I like you?”

“Yeah.”

“Deal.”

 

\--

 

“You two seem to be doing better,” Kurapika noted, stirring the drink in front of him before taking an experimental sip.

Killua looked where the older’s eyes were trained on Gon and Leorio, talking animatedly about something. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Did something happen?”

“Not really, no.” he shrugged. “I mean, we talked and stuff…”

Kurapika grinned into his coffee. “So you’ve finally figured out the wonders of communication.”

“Aw, shut up.” Killua stuck his tongue out at him. “’m still learning, give me some time.”

“Yeah, yeah, I will. It’s been—what, three months since you guys started dating?”

“A week.”

Kurapika choked on the sip he had just taken. “What do you mean, ‘a _week’_?”

“It’s a long story.”

“We’ve got time. Seems those two are going to be at it for a while.”

Killua leaned back in his seat, picking at his food for a moment while he thought about it. “We didn’t start dating until a week ago—I mean, I guess we were kind of dating before that, we just didn’t…know we were dating.”

“How do you just not know something like that?”

“Shit happens.”

The blond sighed and shook his head. “Well, whatever ‘shit’ happened, I’m glad you guys are back to normal and have figured everything out. Leorio was worried.”

“You were worried too.”

He smiled. “A little.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a moment. Just before Gon and Leorio got back to them, Killua said, “We’re fine now, so there’s no need to worry anymore.”

“Yeah.” He smiled. “I’m glad.”

“Glad about what?” Gon asked, taking his seat next to his boyfriend.

“Nothing,” Killua answered for him. Gon looked between the two confusedly but went back to conversation soon after, smiling like usual and talking just as loud.

If Leorio and Kurapika noticed the other two holding hands under the table, they didn’t say anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmmmmmmeh im horRible at ending things i feel like it was FORced but im unable to write anything else. also? im iffy abt their characterization in this chap. give me ur opinions on that if u want to, those would b v appreciated.   
> anyway. this fic is done ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ im still in killugon hell so nothing much has changed


End file.
